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Mon, Jan. 17th, 2005, 06:02 am
Goodbye Sergei

Sergei was sent to the ER again today. My lil' bundle of fat :'(

Ok, it's 6:02am and I am bored out of my mind. I've been up since ten 'til three in the morning, and still am struggling with the fact that I am grounded for going anywhere for the rest of the week (until I leave). Finals are this week... But today, I have the day off due to MLK's birthday. Tuesday is just a regular day, and I will be having normal classes then.

God! One more class for band! And then... NO MORE! ::yes!:: And then no more Ms. Leah Martin! Fuck ya! I hate that bitch. But I got an 81% on a test the other day on a book I didn't even bother reading (Death of a Salesman).

I don't think anyone really reads this shit. I don't really type in this journal anymore.

I was telling Brandon last night that I was going to stay up, get shitfaced, and make a beer bong. And here it is.... 6:06am in the fucking morning, and I have done none of which I have mentioned. I have all the supplies needed for the bong, all but the tube. And you don't have a beer bong if you aren't supplied with a tube. Beer bongs reminds me of this chick named Eva, who once came to school so excited that she had seen a beer bong. Ha, ha.. the first time I saw one was in Old School.

I tried going back to bed, but I can't. It's too... "hard".

I went to Notre Dame the other day, and saw all my good friends from the previous year. All the ones that were really nice to me, at least. Dani shuttled me around the campus to find the good buds, and I stayed for god knows how long. I spoke with the dean, and mr. floyd. Ms. Carlson saw me too, and I said a 'hello'. As I was leaving, I swung around to make sure that none of my friends needed a ride, and then I spotted mazzoni. I just said a few words to him, and had to end the convo 'cause I realized was time it was- And I had to go get Brandon. It's weird how I always run into that guy when I'm at Notre Dame ((mazzoni)). It's not done intentionally. It's not like I'm some fucking psychic who can telepathically read his mind and know where he's going. I just find it a lil' odd...

Well, on that note, I'm going to go find my emergency cigarette and smoke it.

Have a good one-

p.s. I look back on these entries I've written, and I realize how much of a shitcase I was. I sound like a fucking obsessive schmuck.

Wed, Aug. 11th, 2004, 03:48 am
i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkk...... well... sort of

i'm having major withdrawls from cigarettes. i just searched for a whole hour and 45 minutes for a pack of cigarettes. not to mention, i think my parents have been going through my purse, because there was a lighter in there... but now... there is not.

oh, and i forgot to say.....

::relief:: i just had the best sex ever [yesterday]!!!!!

hahaha.. it's always good coming from the person that loves me.. (hrmrm.. and only god knows why that person is ::sarcasm::)

i'm grounded today, but i'm up early.. so i decided to write and entry about just how shaky my recent behavior has been. i've been getting frustrated with my parents more often, and have been very vocal about that. sometimes - this is not a good choice. therefore, i've been grounded twice in less than a week..

i'll probably sleep in 'til the afternoon tomorrow. who knows. but, yesterday, i was feeling well, so i couldn't sleep at all. but eventually, i brought myself upstairs again to crash, and didn't wake up 'til 1pm. ::shruggs:: i'm feeling a little bit better this morning, but my stomache's a little disturbed from eating icecream last night. i haven't had solid icecream in about two months or so.. i've had frozen yogurt, which healthier than icecream, and my stomache didn't feel as though it needed to explode when i ate that.

the last time i was grounded, i spent the whole day sleeping, and excersizing. literally.. i must've run like.. 3 miles.. and i went on the bike. along with 200 sit ups, and push ups, and left lifts. i felt like perhaps this is how it should be. but may i remind you, that's the kind of stuff i'd do when i was losing tremendous weight my sophomore year of highschool. i'd do at the most, 400 sit ups, 100 pushups, 200 leg lifts (100 on each side), and i'd run and play basketball all in the same day. for some, this doesn't sound like anything, but when you come from getting so little excersizing to boosting your activity to it's extreme ability, your body will tighten up fast overtime. or at least mine did.

okay, i'm out of here.

Sun, Aug. 8th, 2004, 03:58 am

Name:: Jillian
Birthplace:: Reno
Birthdate:: July 22
Current City of Residence:: Blah... San Jose...
Family Members:: Well, that all depends... in all I have 3 sisters, and 2 sets of parents
Color:: black, red
Movie:: hrmrmrmrm... I like a lot of them
Musical:: Fosse
Board Game:: I'm not into that stuff.. I used to like Hungry-Hungry Hippos or Operation when I was a kid.
Computer Game:: Ha, ha.. oh boy.. I don't play those. My boyfriend does though.
Game to Roleplay:: Huh?
Animal:: elephant
Sport:: basketball
Book:: Parzival
A Day In The Life..
School:: I switch schools quite often..
Typical Mood:: hyper.
Usually Found?:: At the mall... mainly Oakridge
Collects:: NOTHING muahahaha...
Have You Ever
Been kissed:: Yeah of course
Done drugs:: Yuuuuuuuuup
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: ew.. I don't like Oreos
Eaten sushi:: Bleh...
Been on stage:: Yup yup :-)
Been in a car accident:: Plenty of times
This or That
Cold or Hot:: COLD
Blue or Red:: Red
Rain or Snow:: Rain
Wool or Cotton:: Cotton
Private or Public School:: Public :-) but well... Private school is okay too. Just NOT NOTRE DAME!
Chocolate or Plain Milk:: Both
Celsius or Farenheit:: what the hell type of question is this? Farenheit
Spring or Fall:: :-) i love the fall
Science or History:: History
Math or English:: Math
"Love Life"
Do you like somebody?:: Ha, ha.. of course
Do they know?:: Well, if I'm going out with them... don't you think they know?
Do you want them?:: Oh yes... I want them so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd
Are they hot?:: On occasion he can be SMOKIN' hott! But Nick is like my lil' comfy ball.. all cute and such
Who do you e-mail the most?: Nick
Who do you IM the most?: UH... Nick, Alicia, Sean, Eden, Nikki, Jackie, there's lots of them
Who are you talking to now?:: No one right now.. but before it was Nick
Are you currently in love?:: Haha. yeah..
Is this survey lame?:: It's really... random
Isn't bzoink! nifty? =) :: what the hell does that mean?
In 24 hours have you...
...Showered?:: Yes.. well bath actually
...Had a serious talk?:: Bleh.. yeah
...Hugged someone?:: Dad made me hug him..
...Gotten along with your parents?:: NO!
...Fought with a friend?:: nope
...Done something kind for someone?: uh.. heh...
Do You Like To...
Give hugs?:: sure
Give back rubs?:: only to my sexxy man! *muah*
Take walks in the rain?:: Yumm... I like getting drenched.. but you know what's fun? Kissing in the rain :-)
Cook?:: Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup
Eat?:: Duh...
Sleep?:: Plenty
..Knows you the best?:: Nick
..Have you known the longest?:: Nick
..Do you know the most about?:: ((that's my secret!!))
..Do you consider your friend?:: Everyone that talks to me more than once or twice..
..Is most likely to end up in jail?:: Hahahah! Umm.. you figure that one out for me.
..Can you go to with your problems?:: Oh... i don't know.. depends on the situation
..Do you want to get to know better?:: No one at this point... maybe when I start school again.
..Do you spend the most time with?:: ::chuckles:: Take one guess..
Have You...
..Been to a concert?:: Yes
..Loved someone so much it made you cry?:: Yes
..Cheated on a test?:: Of course... haha I used to cheat on my english tests all the time
..Ever stalked someone?:: Ew.. fuck no
..Done something you regret?:: Who hasn't? Of course..
..Been in an online relationship?:: Ha, ha. I hope you're kidding.
Random Questions
Single or Hooked?:: Hooked
What is your worst habit?:: That's my secret too! WTF?
Scariest moment?:: That's a lil' personal.. ;-)
Do you swear too much?:: Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
How do you feel about homosexuality?:: Um.. depends on the person.. I am kind of.. uncomfortable being around lesbos, but not so much around gay men. perhaps 'cause certain girls (wink, wink) hit on me..
Where are you right now?:: My desk
Are you sitting by anyone?:: Nooo everyone's asleep at 3:58 in the morning.
What song are you listening to?:: "Warehouse" by Dave Matthews Band
What is the last thing you said?:: "Go away!"
What's on your mousepad?:: it's gray
What are the last four digits of your phone number?:: 5356
What was the last thing you ate?:: lemme think.. grilled cheese
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?:: scarlett lake
How many buddies do you have on your list?:: 196
What's the weather like right now?:: it's night time.....
What do you feel like doing?:: getting out of the house
What is your favorite quote?:: *mouth noise* ::pffffffffffffffttt:: or.. usually it's 'fuck off' or 'fuck you' or something with the word 'fuck'

Sun, Aug. 8th, 2004, 03:42 am

i am having major withdrawls of smoking. what is scary is that it changes my mood quick if i don't have one. eventually, i know i will pull through this.

we had a 'family' meeting last night. i hate those. they are basically 'attack jillian' conversations, and that was all it was. i got so mad to the point where i am now grounded, can't use the car, and today when i awake again.. i plan to stay in my room, unless i am hungry or something. eventually, i plan to sleep all day because it makes the time pass by quicker.

i miss nick.. i should've talked to him last night when he said he had to go watch a movie. then none of this would've happened. i miss you, baby.


Sat, Aug. 7th, 2004, 10:54 am
boobie light

i woke up this morning just about fifteen minutes ago, and when i actually physically got up, i had no weight in the boobs whatsoever. they are still shrinking! ha! and i'm not complaining :-) ahh.. but i can like.. put them in one hand, and there would be no bubbling out of the sides. wholy shit, i don't remember the time my boobs were that tiny. perhaps in sophomore year when i was 'hard-core' bulimic. but i'm losing weight the healthy way now (no joke). ah! i'm so happy :-)

Not to mention, I had the stangest dream that I was sitting right infront of Dave Matthews and expressing to this girl w/ long curly red hair, while jackie was sitting next to me, how gorgeous Dave is. Ahh! And I love his voice.. he seems like the goofy-funny type (which is always a plus). Ha, but I don't personally know him.. bummer :-(

Fri, Aug. 6th, 2004, 07:02 pm
to breathe a sigh or too...

ahh! i just had the best sex everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :-)

Fri, Aug. 6th, 2004, 05:01 am

The wick is burning,
On my tabletop.
The streets are slowly filling.
The rain is falling,
And never tends to stop.
I feel your warmth surround me.

If I could hold you in my arms,
To laugh a time or two.
I would whisper that I love you just the same,
Before the last day for you.

The air is thick,
Rich with smoke that carries shame.
My pen is close to empty.
Across the lines,
I write in rhyme upon each page.
My hands are gently trembling.

The ember’s dying,
The wind blowing still.
The night is almost fading.
The risen light drifts the shadows on my wall.
I hear a voice faintly calling.

If I could hold you in my arms,
To laugh a time or two.
I would whisper that I love you just the same,
Before the last day for you.

Thu, Aug. 5th, 2004, 11:15 pm
sunrise.. sunrise.. i can see it in your eyes

my head is pounding like a mother fucker. i've had this heavy headache almost all day, however, i slept in the afternoon, and it went away for awhile.

since i received my liscence, i've been out every opportunity i get. today i decided to take a picture of jackie and i, which i've had since 6th grade, and drive to big lots to purchase a picture frame and a card. she turned 18 a couple of days ago (i think). i dropped it off all wrapped up later in the afternoon, and drove home in time for the dentist. i got my braces removed, and came home 45 minutes later. my teeth feel hella smooth and i'm constantly licking them, or moving my lips just to feel what it is like to have metal out of my mouth again.

in the evening i spoke with mom over the telephone and expressed to her just how gorgeous dave matthews is. she's okay with his band's music, but prefers sarah mclachlan over him ((good choice, mom)). when i got off the phone w/ her, i drove to mindy's house all the way in fucking evergreen. we had dinner at this nice italian restaurant, and then i had to leave in time to be home by 9:45pm. however, i did not make it. i knew i wasn't going to, so i didn't bother speeding at all. plus, if i got a ticket my father would take away my liscence and i wouldn't be able to drive. cops aren't the friendliest around these parts anyways.

alicia wanted to go someplace, so we just walked to the end of the street and she had a smoke. i was cautious because a cop was parked in the parking lot of houge park, and if i was caught, i'd be cuffed and shoved in his car.

nick and i want to go see the village tomorrow, but from what i heard, it's no scarier than signs, the mel gibson movie that came out just a couple of years back. in my opinion, signs wasn't scary at all. and just recently i forced myself not to cover my eyes in the latest flick, final destination 2. i could really use nick's prescence right now. i miss him so much, even though i did see him yesterday. :-P

i should really stop smoking. it's a nasty habit, and just recently, it's started to taste bad. but it'll be harder for me to quit because i smoke so damn much. i told my mom today that i plan on quitting right before i hit college, but right now i've got to concentrate on adjusting to not being bulimic and not cutting. in other words, i have to take it step by step at the time.

mom has noticed a lot of growth in me this summer. she said that now with having contact with my birthmother, it filled a lot of slots that have been empty for so many years. and the more i know about my background, the happier i become. but there are still some things that i would like to fix, or know. however, i don't think those questions will be answered... and even as hard as i try to attain those answers, i can't get them.

i sent an email to mr. mazzoni saying that i was sorry i didn't say 'goodbye' to him when he left. that made me feel a lot better to be able to gather the guts and say that. i feel so bad for being a complete bitch and not doing that beforehand. he didn't deserve that, and i was such a fucker because i know that i had a history of not addressing him when he was there, or whatever. 'cause he did a lot of things that were out of his way to help me when i was fucked over that year. and in return, (in my opinion) i treated him like dirt. and i did it on purpose. there's some other people i should start going back and apologizing to. in that sense, i won't carry so many burdens, and so many "this is because of you"'s. it's really a stressful thing to know that you have done that to so many people.

i think i might hit the sheets now. i'm tired as hell..


Tue, Aug. 3rd, 2004, 06:24 pm
ass cramp...

i really want to change the colors of my journal. don't get my wrong, i do enjoy black and red a lot, but it makes me appear dead, and gothic. that's not who i am. i swear, i am wearing the most brightest colors today, and it makes me feel good. i'm wearing this white vintage button up blouse, with a very thin fabric and it has these olive green flower patterns w/ a shadow of gold. underneath is a white tank top, and for bottoms, i'm wearing my olive green patterned-frill skirt.

i just recently got my liscence and i've been out of the house every opportunity i get. being granted this priveledge has cost me trips to the oakridge mall, mitty, seeing nick, guitar showcase, and many other places i wish to go. however, today, some old fart decided, that "hey, let's move into that girl's lane [me] who's right next to me, and i'll hit the front of her car with mine!" fortunately, i didn't get hit, but i came very close to it. i screamed "asshole" in my car, did a delayed honk, and swerved into the lane next to me. he didn't say "sorry" or whatnot. but he did steal my spot in my lane. oh, yeah... WITHOUT HIS RIGHT TURN SIGNAL ON! he pretty much pushed me away so, to avoid an accident, i would have to move in the next lane. thank god no one was directly beside me in the far right lane. i would've been trapped. dumbass.. i swear, if i was a cop i'd pull him over.

tomorrow i'm getting my braces off! wohoo! that's right... 5 long years of these puppies and they gotta come off.

i stopped by guitar showcase and best buy today. there's this guy in guitar showcase that is so cute. he has reddish-brown floppy hair, and he's pretty tall (or at least taller than I). His name is Adam and he works on the second floor where all the keyboard are. i was too chicken to go up there, for i know if i did, and if i saw him, my knees would like shake or I'll do something completely embarassing.. plus, i can't control my blushing. and when i blush.. my face gets really, really red.

i was looking around for keyboard cases. preferably a hardcase. but they are so stinkin' expensive. musicians friend lists them for like... 30 bucks for the 88-key and for a wheeled case it's 80-90 bucks. oh, that that's only the soft case. the hard cases are 269.99. however, i looked in the use section, and i almost died of an orgasm when i saw a fairly new keytar made by roland. those things list prices are like... 300 bucks. but this on was 200. any man that plays a keytar... damn... you're sexy. at best buy, i came across the CASIO PX-100 Privia Digital Piano. I played a couple of chords, and then became unsatisified when the sound quality was terrible. i've touced better digital keyboards... plus, i've never been quite a fan of CASIO. Neither ROLAND. i am a big ruiter for YAMAHA keyboards. Figures though.. YAMAHA is an expensive brand. However their work stations aren't half as bad in pricing. It's just everything else.. I also saw, at guitar showcase, some pretty good deals on AMPS. Not the tiny lil' amps, but the BIG AMPS. Haha.. I won't get one of those unless I really need it. I came across a cakewalk program, and was hesitant to ask for it from my family. 'cause the last time i purchased one of those, i had major problems with it, and setting it up. one of my good friend, and teacher, at Student for Independent Learning owned the latest REASON software. He was going to burn the disc for me and my other teacher, Kenneth, however, he never got around on it. Poo on him.

I learned my lesson w/ sustain petals though. Never leave them in the car on a hot summer's day for more than 3 days. the wiring, the body, just everything besides the metal melts. Yeah... bad idea. I traded it in for a new one, which I got for free! Props for warranty.

I thought I saw Sarah Smith today at the Oakridge mall in the food court. I couldn't tell because I didn't have my contacts in. The girl had black hair, or dark brown hair, who knows. I swear she looked just like Sarah. However, I had hot food in my hand to bring home for my sister, so I busted my ass out of there.

Speaking of ass... do you know that soar feeling you get the day after you do a hard day's work out? i have that feeling... in my ass. my gludious maximus (forgive me for mispelling) has that muscular pain feeling. i know why, and it's been because i've been running a mile everyday. Yesterday, I went to the doctor's for an ED physical and I've dropped eight pounds in a month. Wohoo! I was delighted when I saw that. And I know I'll drop more if I really try hard and not eat so much while I'm on my period (which is now). It's been pretty good so far. I had cereal this morning and I ate 3/4 of my chinese meal. I ran today, but I have energy to run again.

okay... if you could be in any band, as a bandmember, which one would you be in? i think i'd want to be in Flogging Molly or Coldplay. Or work w/ Edwin McCain. But if I worked with Edwin McCain, i'd be too busy staring at him and evently strike the wrong chord. hahah

Sun, Aug. 1st, 2004, 02:28 am
my favorite things...

with discoverance of my father's death, i've been in swings of mood because one minute i'm thinking about him, and the next i am not. mom called me the day after she told me because she felt as though she needed to continue the conversation about my father. she knew that when i found out that it came across as a great shock. when i returned home from the party, ther was an email from her with an image of my father. i would put it up in here but i have no direct reach to it from my computer. it's been acting up this past week.

today there is a wedding i have to attend, and i will be performing "my favorite things" on the piano while my mother's friends sing the lyrics they made up that went in the tune of the song. i am thinking twice, and it's going to be hard not to mess up. i get nervous when i'm in the spotlight- especially when i'm on piano. i fingers start to tremble and you never know when i may hit the wrong note. i'm only playing the chords for them.. it a) sounds better and b) i'm less likely to screw up.

i got my liscence on friday! wohoo! however, i have not had the opportunity to drive someplace by myself. ::cough, cough:: blahh.. ((go away, cough))

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